Very early one Saturday morning Grammy wondered how she should spend the day. She could rake the leaves or clean the garage but neither of those things would be much fun. Grammy thought this particular Saturday should be for fun. She especially liked to have fun with her grandchildren. “What could we do today that would make us smile and enjoy this bright fall day?” she thought. (more…)
Moving day is over and although every room has a little more furnitire in it than necessary, the beds are made and the clothes have all been put away. Now comes the hard part. How do we handle dinners and discipline and household chores and laundry? When you invite your children to come back home for whatever reason (in this case a bad housing market) you can’t make them feel as if they are imposing. It is very important to let them know that this is their home now also. With a few simple ground rules laid out in advance, eveyone can feel comfortable. (more…)
No, I’m not talking about the NFL. That we know has a limited engagement. I’m talking about all the sports in which my grandchildren participate. Here was my weekend and I’m sure many of you experience the same thing. Saturday morning 8 year old Jack had a football game at 9:00 a.m. It was raining and cold but the coaches were determined to get the game in. At 11:00 a.m. 6 year old Tori had her final soccer playoff. The rain had stopped, the cold had not (more…)
Another spring and after five years we finally have the planting of our garden down to a science. As usual we had to vote on what to grow. With 21 grandchildren voicing opinions, our garden will be a little larger this year. Tomatoes, potatoes, beans, lettuce, onions, asparagus, beets,chard, strawberries, blue berries, raspberries, cucumbers, spinach and (more…)
The word “hospice” a few years ago was like a death knell. You knew that time was very short for whomever was in hospice. That’s not true any longer. There is no requirement that the patient have less than a year to live. Their goal is to make life easier and more comfortable for both the patient and their family. As Mom began sleeping more and eating less
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I have managed to reach my current age (which by mandate of my grandson, Sam, shall always remain at 58) without ever drinking a cup of coffee. My mother kept a small perculator pot on the stove 24 hours a day and it never ran out of coffee which always smelled so good. I never had the urge to try it. However, I do have fond memories of my aunts and my mother having great conversations while drinking coffee in our kitchen. (more…)
It’s moving day again! Six months have passed since our son and his family have moved in with us. Several major things have happened. They found the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood and put an offer in on it. That was on a Sunday. On Tuesday, my son lost his job in the changing economy. The house offer was withdrawn and we went back to square one. I knew my daughter-in-law was feeling stressed about not living in her own home. Who wouldn’t be?
Building a strong realtionship with my grandchildren has always been a rewarding and challenging part of my life. It has kept me active and young. Now I am facing a challenge that has become a reality for many people my age. I am the caregiver for my 86 year old mother-in-law. She is still residing in her own home which fortunately is next door to us. My father-in-law died 14 years earlier and my husband and I were concerned that his mother would not be able to cope on her own. In order to remain independent she would have to learn where the circuit breakers were, how to pump gas into her car, how to balance the check book and budget her money and most importantly how to live alone. They had been married for 52 years. Each morning my husband would walk to his mother’s and have coffee with her just as he did when his Dad was alive. The continuity of this small action gave her a reason to get out of bed, comb her hair and put on a little lipstick. With great patience, he explained her finances to her and taught her to watch her stocks. Once or twice a week we would have dinner with her, either at her home (she was always a good cook) or at ours or at one of her favorite restaurants. We also took this opportunity to invite each of our grandchildren to have dinner with us so Mom could get to know them as individuals and they in turn would get to know her. For the next 10 years she continued to play golf, have lunch with her friends and visit with her family. When the dementia (or alzheimers – a disease that is hard to diagnose) began to take over, it was time for some adjustments. This is the tricky part of life – when the parent becomes the child and the child the caregiver. I am going to write this story in several parts in the hope that our experience will help others cope with this role reversal and so my children will have a blue print to follow when it is their time to be caregivers.
Part I – Facing the reality of dementia.
My own parents died when I was in my early twenties. I never watched them grow old nor become dependent upon their children. Maybe this made it easier for me to see the decline in my mother-in-law and to suggest that her children start thinking about long term care. Families are funny things. Whether it was denial or selfishness or apathy, it soon became clear that if she was going to continue to live a comfortable life in her own home the responsibility would fall to my husband and me. I will preface this story by saying I was not my mother-in-law’s favorite person. I never asked her if I could call her Mom, I just started doing it. She never volunteered to babysit nor to teach me all her Italian recipes. When she did give me one she invariably left out one important ingredient. She made “suggestions” about my housekeeping and my appearance. However, she was stll my husband’s mother and my childrens only grandparent. I have always subscribed to the theory that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
In the beginning the signs were very small. She got lost coming home from the grocery store she had shopped at for 20 years. She couldn’t find money she had hidden in her house. She began mixing up her childrens’ names although if that were a true sign, I’m in trouble. She was often confused about bills that came in the mail. One day she was lost for four hours. She laughed about it that night saying “it’s a good thing I saw the name of our town on a sign pointing this way.” My husband was reluctant to tell her she needed to stop driving until she drove across our yard instead of the driveway one evening. It was actually a pretty easy discussion and I think she had scared herself enough that she agreed to “stop driving for awhile.” We left the car in her garage for two years and although she had no keys, she felt comfortable knowing it was there. Every now and then I would drive her car to doctors’ appointments to “keep it in running order”. I think it made her feel good to ride in her own car. When her phsyical health started to deteriorate along with her mental health we faced a whole new set of problems.
When a loved one is ill and elderly it is sometimes easier to do everything for them. Almost treating them like a child. As my mother-in-law’s health started to deteriorate along with her mind I decided to spend a few extra minutes with each of her doctors to find out what limitations on her activities would benefit her and what limitations would actually do more harm than good. She was in congestive heart failure and had difficulty breathing. At the age of 86 the woman who played golf 3 days a week two years before didn’t want to get out of bed and many days didn’t know where she was. After 3 ambulance rides to the hospital, the doctors determined she would be a good candidate for a pace maker. The procedure was minimally invasive they assured us and would greatly improve her stamina. We discussed all the pros and cons of surgery for someone her age and decided that because she had always been in good physical health, had never been hospitalized until recently and took very little medication, we would proceed. The surgery was a success and the pacemaker helped ease her labored breathing and allowed her to walk longer distances. Not marathons but from her bedroom to the kitchen without stopping 3 or 4 times. Of course, along with the pacemaker came coumidin, potassium pills, a statin for cholesterol, pacemaker check-ups and more doctor’s visits. Time to buy a calendar. I posted a chart in her kitchen with all her medications and the times and how they were to be taken. I used a dry erase board to write the day and date in big letters so my mother-in-law would know what day it was each morning as she drank her coffee. I had noticed how embarrassed she was when she had to ask someone what day it was. Now she would tell us. It was also time to get help. There would be no nursing home because my husband had promised his mother he would do everything he could to keep her at home. Because she lived next door to us and we were close enough to check on her throughtout the day it made it easier. But – we both worked. Thankfully our office was not far from home and being married to the boss made it easier for us to stop in the morning and give her medications, get her dressed and put on her favorite TV shows. I would bring lunch or make it and we would both stop again after work to visit while we prepared dinner and got her ready for bed. Because my children also lived so close, they would take turns during the day to check on her. If she had a particularly bad day one of us would spend the night. Soon it became evident that we could not leave her alone for any extended period of time even with the beeper the home alarm company had set up and she wore around her neck so that it immediately called my cell phone and then 911when pressed. What if she forgot she had it or was unable to press it?
After weeks of searching, a good friend whose mother had recently passed away told me about her mother’s caregiver who had several friends who took care of the elderly in their home. This was how I met Anita or St. Teresa as I often called her during the next 3 years. Anita moved in. She needed a place to stay and we needed her. Anita couldn’t cook and she didn’t drive but she could do what was most needed. Anita became a companion who would talk clamly to her aggitated patient, bathe her and wash her hair, paint her finger nails a new color each week, take her for walks outside to enjoy the sun and sit her on a chair while she weeded the garden, wash the clothes and clean the house and watch all the sopa operas Mom had been watching for 50 years. Every Saturday the three of us would go grocery shopping and then stop for lunch. In the afternoon we would prepare the meals for the week so cooking would not be such a chore. On Sundays I would drive Anita to her friend’s home for the day and pick her up at night. On the days Mom had doctors’ appointments, we would first take Anita to the shopping center or drop her at the movie show or at her friend’s home then pick her up when we were done. Although Anita always protested that she didn’t need any time off, I knew only too well that it is mentally as well as physically demanding to take care of someone. And my mother-in-law was NOT easy. She would accuse Anita of taking things or of not feeding her. Kind of like “Driving Miss Daisy”. Thankfully Anita had thick skin and she would joke with Mom. They became good friends and Anita became a member of the family. My 3 year old grandson Charlie would walk over every night with me to visit while I gave Mom her medications. He would climb up on “Little Gramdma’s” lap and she would ask him whose picture was on the one dollar bill. “George Washington” he would say proudly and Mom would ask for her wallet and hand Charlie a dollar. Charlie would hand the dollar back as we left “for next time.” It was a game that kept them both happy.
It is hard to find things to do with an elderly dementia patient. There is a fine line between treating someone with dignity or condescension, like the parent you remember and respect or the child they have become. I bought puzzles with large pieces thinking the great grandchildren could help Mom put it together on each visit if we left it out on a card table. I soon learned that Mom had no interest in doing a puzzle probably because she had never done one when she was well. Crossword puzzles yes – board puzzles no. A visit to the kids’ school for hot lunch was a success as long as we only visited one classroom each time ( remember I have 16 grandchildren in the same school) and Mom enjoyed eating pizza and meeting their friends. My four grandsons who are 12, 13 and 14 all play golf. They would sit with Mom and watch the golf tournaments on television. Fred Couples was her all time favorite and the boys would tease her when he came on the screen saying “Gram your boyfriend is on.” She always laughed with them.
My mother-in-law had a green thumb. She could grow anything and her yard was a testament to her skill. She still loved the garden but was not able to work in it anymore. One warm spring Saturday the great grandchildren decided we should build a rose garden in the area next to the shed for Little Grandma to sit in. The older boys dug out the sod and helped me turn the dirt. The younger boys spread the rocks we dumped in the winding path. The girls put in the small fence to frame the garden leaving an opening at the ends of the path. They found a comfortable chair in the shed, washed it and placed it where they thought Little Grandma could most enjoy the garden. Everyone helped with the planting. A quick trip to the garden shop for a bird bath and feeder and an ornamental globe and the garden was complete. As we walked Mom out to the garden it was hard to tell who was happier – Mom or the kids. She spent many hours sitting in her chair enjoying the flowers and birds.
As the warm weather faded so did Mom’s energy. It was time for another big decision.
The older generation reacts to the current generation of teenagers as if they came from another planet. We are appalled by their language, their dress or lack thereof, their casualness about sex and drugs, the movies they watch and their ability to instantly transmit photos and words to 30 people in 30 seconds. I guess you could say we are reacting much like our grandparents did. Yes there is information overload thanks to technology but are our grandchildren really much different than we were? Flower children, free love, campus protests and music our parents thought was barbaric. I consider this a fact finding mission much like the recent health care surveys that now say carrots do not improve your eyesight. (I only wish my mother was alive so I could show her that article). Let’s start with patriotism.
“The kids today don’t know what it is to sacrifice for their country.” Tell that to the 18 and 19 year olds in Iraq or Afghanistan. Tell that to the thousands of teenagers who volunteer at Special Olympics or Habitat for Humanity or who work at homeless shelters or our food banks. How about the young boy who mows his elderly neighbor’s lawn? Look at the faces of our young people when the National Anthem is playing. They have pride in their Country. Don’t judge them, ask them.
“Young people today have no respect” We were taught respect in my home. How many of you turn off the television when company comes? How many introduce your children or grandchildren to your friends and require that they greet every person with a hand shake or some acknowledgement? How many fathers or grandfathers remove the “acceptable” baseball cap from their head in someone’s home or at a restaurant? Do you swear in front of your children or grandchildren? Do you talk about others in front of them? Respect is learned by example. We are not our children or grandchildren’s peer, we are their role model and their parent or grandparent. Respect is both taught and earned.
“Today’s teens dress like street walkers and hip hoppers” – Where are the parents when these young people leave the house? Who allows their child to walk down the street with his pants below his butt and his underwear hanging out? Who bought the clothes? Sure we can’t be around them 24 hours a day and yes after they leave home they could roll up that skirt or lower those jeans but I see more parents who are okay with it because it’s “in” and they don’t want their children to be left “out”. Why have we’d given up teaching our children to be individuals and to respect themselves?
I had an interesting conversation with my 14 year old granddaughter as we sat eating lunch at a neighborhood Subway Sandwich Shop. Three people were waiting to be interviewed by the manager for a position that was open. The first person was a young girl about 17 years old with a ring in her eye brow and one in her lip. Her clothes were clean but hung loosely on her thin frame. She was chewing gum and occasionally would stretch it out with her fingers from her mouth and put it back. She was texting on her phone while she waited. The second person was an elderly man around 65 years old in a blue collared shirt and neatly pressed pants. He shuffled when he walked and his glasses hung around his neck on a safety chain. As he waited for the manager he would take a small piece of paper out of his shirt pocket, put his glasses on, read it and return both the paper and his glasses to their original place. The man repeated this process several times. The third person was a young man about 16 years old. He wore clean well fitting jeans, a tee shirt with a plaid long sleeved overshirt and clean laced gym shoes.